The Troll (gregortroll) wrote,
The Troll

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Condom Wimps

Some recent buzz about a new kind of condom packaging that makes putting on a condom "faster and easier" got me thinking:

It's amazing to me what huge wimps some guys are about condoms.

"It's too thick" -- I don't know what brand of socks these guys buy, but mine are so thin that I'm actually a little worried they may rip--of course, they never do. Or, maybe they should try spending a little extra on Inspirals(TM) ( ) or that other funny-shaped brand. They really do give that extra little bit of internal friction they might be missing. If they miss the hot and wet, a little bit of lube-in-the-tube brings back that Monsoon in June feeling. What is it with these guys with the nearly-numb cocks that seem to lose all feeling inside a rubber? Maybe they need to masturbate more.

"The delay cools things off too much" -- Delay? DELAY? Where the hell do you keep your shower caps, Dude? In the gun rack of your pickup? At your Granny's house? Holy Fucking Shit! If the guys who say this weren't such sex-hostile misogynists, they'd have a bottle of Liquid Silk and a handful of Rabbit's Best Friend within arm's-length of every possible location where they might *possibly* do it, and a few elsewhere, besides, just in case. Couch side, bed side, in the kitchen silverware drawer for Christ's sake (but NOT next to the pin cushion in the sewing box!).

I know I'm exceptional--and weird--but that means I stash extra Sin Foil Hats under the seats on the subway, like a squirrel hiding nuts for the winter. I don't expect that level of optimism from everyone. But a few Kinsey Top Hats in the latptop bag isn't optimistic--its just good sense. In a hotel alone with your laptop, webcam and wireless internet? Why look at internet porn when you can BE internet porn? Go get someone from the hotel bar and safe-sex your
way into internet history!

That problem solved, where's the delay? Again, I know I'm exceptional (aren't we all?) and an old hand, but I can keep my partner "involved" with one hand, while with the other I can open a drawer, locate a condom, tear it open with my teeth, apply it and lube, all while flying high my flagpost of love--in under 10 seconds. If I'm really thinking ahead, way less. Usually, my partner isn't even aware that there's been a costume change. Yes, I'm that good. But how much longer can it take? Fifteen seconds? Thirty? And what about making it a game?

Wimps and amateurs.

Maybe I should open a school.
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